Olivia

It has always been one of my biggest fears since I was really little.
I've always felt like someone was following me, and watching everything I did.
I would always turn around and look out windows of the room I'm in to see if any one's there.
There never is.
You hear things on T.V. and read about people in books who have seen things that The naked eye cant see.
you have heard of people who have experienced visits from their old family members, who have long since passed.
or maybe even people who have experienced an out of body experience..
Some of it we don't believe because they have no proof, why should we?
I always believed that there was life after death.
However, I never really thought about the dead contacting me..
not me,
never.
I remember my mom telling me about 2 years or so ago that she heard my dead sister Olivia talk to her when she was visiting the temple.
My neighbor Peggy, has also said that she has seen Olivia in the back of the van, as well as heard her speak to her.
It's pretty cool, and a bit scary to know that my sister is still here.
It's a good thing yes, but It's just scary to know that shes dead, and shes watching us and that she sees everything we do, but we can't see her.
I've heard her..
but never seen her.
I would like to see her one day, but then again it scares me to death.
I don't know.
I miss her alot. My mom and I were watching old videos with her as a baby.
she was such a happy baby.
It was really weird to watch those videos and then when they were over, think that shes never coming back.
I will never see my baby sister again.
It kills me to know that my sister Caroline will never know her older sister Olivia.
Olivia never got to live life.
she never will learn to ride a bike, or go to school, or get her first boyfriend.
She will never be able to get a job, or learn to drive, or ever get married and have kids of her own.
I wish that I could go back and change things.
I wish i could go back and save her.
Back to the night that changed everything.
I remember the night of the fire, I was playing with her on the trampoline.
she wore her little pink silk nightgown to bed, and my dad tucked her in...
the next time I saw her, she was being put into an ambulance with a breathing mask on her face.. her hairline black from the smoke..
she looked peaceful though, she just looked as though she was sleeping.
I thought everything would be alright, I felt a feeling of comfort and safety as I saw her going into the ambulance.
I thought
"oh the doctors will save her."
I was wrong. I remember sitting in the room at the hospital and waiting for the doctor..
I remember when he came in our hearts stopped when he said that she wasn't coming back.
I remember that was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry.
It took me 3 weeks to finally realize that she was NOT coming back.
wow this has kind of changed direction on me...
I just really miss her.
I wish she would come back.
but that's all I can do is wish.

Normal.. the unknown

Normal?
What is normal?
Could you just sit there and define it for me please?


Normal is one of those words that everyone knows, but no one can define.
We all THINK we know what "normal" is.
We think that anything that is different from us, and our thoughts and opinions is Not normal.
Who are we to say what normal is? We obviously couldn't be normal ourselves then. Everyone is different. Then our idea of "normal" doesn't exist.. we don't even have an idea of normal. Our society has an idea of normal, and they mold it into our heads that that's what everyone should be like. If everyone was the same this world, this life would be boring and pointless. The most wonderful and interesting people are people who are anything but the "normal" that we believe is what we should be. I think the different people are more down to earth then the ones thinking they are "normal". You almost never hear of a great author, or a great artist, photographer, athlete, or songwriter that had a "normal childhood".
Normal sucks.
Fuck normal.
DIFFERENT is the new "normal"
Think about it

To a Long distant friend..

"I love the fact that I KNOW I have people in my life who I can trust. People who will be there for me no matter what, and can help me through anything. I don't even think these people realize how thankful I am to have them."

There is one friend in particular who I would never think that we would be so close, or that they would mean so much to me.
this entry is for them...


You have been there for me through some of my toughest days. You have helped me through my tough experiences, and family issues as well. I never get to see you anymore, now that you live so far away. We don't get to talk as much as we used to, due to daily demands at work, school, and life. Even still, I will always have you. You will always be there for me whenever I need you. If necessary you would fly out here and help me with whatever I needed, and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same. You always make me smile whenever we talk. There is never a dull moment. You are one of those friends that you have and you can't believe you ever lived without them. It seems as though we've been friends since birth! We have an age difference, but to you that doesn't matter, you will still always be there for me. You don't look at my problems as "Juvenile drama" you understand what I'm going through and they help me out because you have been though similar experiences. You never talk down to me or make me feel low. I would do anything for you. I'm not sure if you know you mean this much to me, but you do. I have no idea what I would do without you. You make everything better. I wish we could see each other more, but I think the fact that we are so far, makes us so close. I can't wait to see you again. I love you,and I miss you. Thank you for everything you've helped me through, every nice thing you've said to me to make me happier.
Thank you for being my friend.
<33

You roll your eyes... But im smiling

Going to high school is an experience of a lifetime. Everyone knows this, and you hear it enough times to get sick of it. Some people just think of it as something parents "HAVE" to tell their kids or something kids think their parents tell them just to get them scared. It's True High school is quite an experience. I think it is one of the best experiences you could ever have.
I mean people that didn't like high school are the people who look at the bad things that happened to them, and the bad decisions they made, the friends they lost. They never sit and think of the reasons why they lost those friends, why they made those decisions, why those things happened to them. High school is great. Bad things only happen if you let them happen. There are the occasional things that happen that you have no control of.. (car accidents, Broken bones.. etc.) but for the most part You have a say in what happens to you.. and its not just high school its life..

"this isn't an entry telling people that they are stupid for letting things happen to them in high school, this is just something I am realizing myself."

There are people that I started out friends with and some of them we have been friends since 1st grade.
Now don't think I'm sitting here complaining, because again.. I'm just thinking and realizing for myself. but anyways,
there are friends that I've Known forever, and we've grown apart due to different "clicks" and friends and interests. which is fine, we are still friends we just don't hang out and that's the way it should be. There are also those friends who you haven't known as long, but you've spent alot of time with, they did some things that got on your nerves or you didn't agree with but you were still their friend just because you realize that your not perfect either everyone has faults. You let them push you around a little, because there is no reason in making a big deal out of one comment right? exactly.. so they continue to push you around..

again no big, they don't really mean it"

.. well eventually those little pushes get bigger, and bigger, and they bug you more and more.. they do a few things that were uncalled for, and they seem to be trying to start a conflict with everything you say or do. They want to be in your business 24/7 just so they have something to talk about with their other friends. this is one of those friends you don't want to have. one of those friends who Lives for drama, and is a very unhappy person.. and in order to be happy they have to make everyone else miserable.

I however, don't agree with that or allow that to happen to me. So I stop hanging out with this person. I don't call her, I'll talk to them at school when I want to but I never go out of my way to talk to them, I don't spend the night at their house anymore, nothing. They get mad that I'm not giving them all the attention they desire and decides to try to make me mad by getting a "new best friend".. little did they know that I don't really care because I didn't want to hang out with them, and I wouldn't want them to be bored.. so whatever go for it! so then when they realize that I don't care they starts talking about me to her new "BFF" they make jokes, tell lies, stories... and have a good time being unhappy together. =] well I'm glad they have fun together.
Then, When that "new BFF" of thiers gets tired of them and stops hanging out with them so much, they come back to me and tries to be all "I love you cutie <333">KNOW me. It sucks going through drama and stuff like that, but the results are totally worth it and will help you through the rest of your life. I decided that they weren't the kind of person I wanted as a friend, and because of that, I have avoided conflicts and regrets that would have come from them.
THANK GOD!

TGIF

I am sooo glad its friday!
this has been one of the longest weeks ever!
and it was sort of eventful but not really... like sians birthday, and valentines day took place... but thats about all that matters =]
uh so yeah today was a pretty good day, I got my hair cut.. well i got the split ends trimmed off so its healthier looking and feels so much softer <3
uhh I was supposed to have a sleepover thing with Jennifer and Sara but that didnt work out sooo Im at sians house <3
andd shes sleeping while i talk to my favorite Red Head JIMMY GASTON <3
sooo thats about it, My stepsister and her bf are dooshbags =] and he will see what shes really like eventually and IM going to laugh because Then he will see that I was right the whole time, and that Im not being a bitch im just warning him but Its all good he will get what is coming to him =] and I will sit there and laugh in his face =]
But yeah my birthday is on Monday and Im really excited because I get to get my bellybutton pierced!!!!!!!!!
im excited!
some people think thats gross for me to get it done but they can just kiss my ass because its my body and I will do what I want with it thanks and I dont need your input, opinions, or concerns thanks =]
=]
but anyways... Tonight is young sian will wake up and we will party!!
hopefully with the ADK if they ever freakin call!

=]
<3
well
S'lata

Daddy

okay so, my birthdays coming up...
Fun stuff ill be 16 and thats exciting!
Im getting my bellybutton pierced fun!
so every year me and my dad go out to dinner for my birthday just me and him..
so of course that would make me happy...
so my step mom tracy... yes this is the woman who ruined my parents marriage.. =/
Yeah so me and her dont like eachother, I dont talk to her and she is fake to me...
so she decides to come along...
I dont like that
Its time with me and My dad.
She gets to see him every day! she fucking sleeps with him and has for the past like 6 years!
she treats him like shit and he fucking puts up with it!
and she has to ruin the one day i get with my dad alone just me and him..
I hate her!
He was mine first!
he loved me first!
he loves me more!
I actually care about him!
I dont treat him like shit!
Id do anything for him!
hes MY dad not hers!
I want time with him not him and her!
and its really annoying
she ruins everything!
and I think he understands that I dont like her, but she will make his life living hell if he even brings it up.. I dont know why he doesnt just leave her... =/
He needs to get away from her and go see his family, and spend time with the family he has here in Virginia his kids! me his daughter the first born the first person to call him daddy! the first little girl to say I love you daddy the first little girl to share her birthday cupcakes with him.. the first little girl to help him in his shop and dance for him in a ballarina costume! hes my dad not hers! and I want him for me not me and her!
call me selfish but i dont care I hate her and she doesnt deserve someone as wonderful as my dad and he can certainly do better than her :'(
I wish that bitch would just die!

=]

Yeah well Its been a few days..
my weekend was really good
I got to hang out with the ADK
I believe that was the highlight
even better than meeting famous people?
of course!!!
Im excited my birthday is in 2 weeks =]
and sians is next week <333
I have no idea what to get her =/
Im getting my bellybutton pierced on my birthday <3
and the new Falloutboy cd came out today =]
SCORE!
Some people are still being gay at school.
but some are realizing what Ive noticed all along
thank god!
megan moore is a dooshbag
and needs to die seriously
lol
no one likes her
shes like tossed around like an unwanted toy
haha
makes me laugh =]
does that make me evil?
No
its megan
hah!
its amazing Howmany hours people spend infront of the computer even when there is nothing to do =/
Its to cold to do anything outside
i have no care therefore cant go anywhere
and there is nothing else to do but talk to people, update, and listen to Hellogoodbye..
yes i said it...
HELLOGOODBYE!
=]

Annoyances

Today is the first day of February,
It hasnt been a very good day.
Everything today has either Annoyed me, made me mad, made me sad, or I felt like I was annoying someone.
It hasnt been very Happy.
sure there were a few times that were =]
but for the most part im ready for tomorrow to come =/
I really dont like some of the people at my school.
we have some shallow Butt hungry guys at my school and that really gets annoying.
we also have some severly sexist teachers, and that gets old.
I dont have alot to say about today, Im really tired. I think ive made some people annoyed at me, and im just ready to go to bed and have tomorrow come <3