On the verge of something new.

Lately, he's seemed closer, a bit more open. It's been nice. I'm starting to think that maybe there is something that could happen. Maybe I was wrong at thinking that he wouldn't ever have feelings for anyone, especially me. I dont know maybe I'm just thinking these things because its what I want to think. I dont know it just seems like everyday we get closer and closer. He's tried to make me laugh alot more lately, it's kind of ovious.. he applied for a job at my work, and is extremely eager to get it. Which is weird because the pay isn't that great... I promise.. so I dont know like I said maybe it's just what I want to happen so my mind is looking for signs that he might actually like me even if its not true. Who knows. It would be nice if we could get into a deep conversation where we tell eachother how we feel. We've been close a few times, who knows maybe if we start working together we will end up talking about our feelings. We'd be together alot more then, and who knows. It's just seemed different.... in a good way. He's my best friend though so it might be kind of weird if anything did happen... I dont know feelings are confusing UGHHHH
maybe its the start of something new....

Yearbook class AKA GAYYYYYYYYY

Blogging from Yearbook class is always fun.
I'm kind of in a "bleh, I don't care about anything" type of mood.
School is old news, along with this stupid yearbook. The teacher is a noob who didn't decide to start acting like a teacher until about a month ago. Pretty gayyy
But I'm so ready for summer to start. These last minute cram sessions just to prove that I'm smart enough to go to the next grade, is kinda gayyy.
but not as gay as the preparation. uhhhggg school gets old fast.
So I've got my last soccer game of the season today, and I have to say that I'm not going to miss the team much. They are just a bunch of dramatic, immature, freshman who are always worried about who's watching them. It's annoying. So I'm pretty glad that its over, not to mention we can actually beat this team.... they kind suck.... now because I said that.. I bet we will lose today.... way to go Becca.
oh well, its all over after today. I'm going to miss the workouts, and how good it is for me, but I'm going to make it a habit to do that on my own. I'm planning on running cross country next year, so I will be running all summer anyways.
Hey maybe I will finally get rid of some fat I've been frustrated with lately.... that would be nice huh?
So I'm really starting to miss the whole relationship thing. I don't know why, It's kind of retarded, but I think I just want to know that I have that someone that will always be there for me, and just mine. I don't know, maybe it's just because its spring so everyones all "twitterpated
who knows. It just sucks.
Summer in Utah should be good, maybe I'll meet someone out there. I'm not going to Look for anyone but if I met someone it would be cool, except I live in VA. but whatever who knows. I'll still have fun with my cousins who are apparently now both criminals in some shape or form.
Well technically one's a criminal and the other is a druggie. "And I thought they were going to be the good ones." Boy was I wrong. Apparently my "on the edge of homo" cousin Shane loves to steal jewelry, and what's worse is he gets sick pleasure out of it.... kinda weird right? Yeah
and then my cousin Michael is a druggie who got busted with paraphernalia. WTF?!
I don't feel like such a slacker anymore.
I'm probably going to be saying goodbye to freedom for a the next 3 weeks probably though, due to some bad marks on my report card that my mom doesn't know about yet.
I'm debating on whether I'm going to alter it or not. I think it would be better if I was just honest with my mom, and told her that my grades sucked, but my plan is to start out by bringing up my messed up stepsister, and then dropping a line kinda like "aren't you glad im not like that?" and then be like Oh yeah By the way, I got three F's in school.... yeah I'm sorry.
So we will see what happens.
wow 6 minutes until the bell rings.
Ugh that means 7th period, which is history, is next for me.
man that's the longest effing class of the day, and I don't like anyone in that class except for Dakota, but he's being kinda retarded lately because he doesn't know how to deal with rejection.... oh well he better get over it today.
Ugh I have to work alot this week, and probably all day Saturday because Glass is having their prom and there is no one else to work, so kinda sucks but hey its moneyz right?
and Stefan's going to apply at subway like tomorrow, I've been talking to my manager so I hope he gets the job, that would just be the most awesome thing ever.
All my best friends (except sian) would be with or near me =D how great is that.
except Devin's quitting in June, but I say... It's about time, I mean dag 2 years at Chick-fil-a DAMN.
well bells about to ring, so let me wrap this up with something meaningful like...........................
ahh fuck it.

Regret

Regret:

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc)

We all feel a sense of regret sometimes. It's no fun, and you just wish you could go back and change whatever it is that your regretting.

I don't have feelings for him, so why did I let it happen?

was it even real? or was it a dream?, we haven't talked about it.

We dug a deep hole.

Now we need to go fill it, you did wrong, as so did I.

Lets face it

no one's perfect.

thank god we didn't do anything extremely stupid,

but if the circumstances were different would we have taken the extra steps?

Ran some more bases possibly?

Lets be glad the circumstances were what they were.

I didn't mean for it to happen, don't think I wanted it.

I didn't

I just couldn't stop it.

Maybe there are things I haven't realized yet.
Maybe everyone was right about us?

lets not get ahead of ourselves..

all I feel now is
Regret.

Let's not hide from the truth today.

There is always that someone. The person you will never forget, and will always have those feelings for even if you don't want them. You can't help it. This weekend I've realized that I will always have feelings for this person, We dated last year and even though I find him to be extremely immature, and annoying at times, I realize that I still have secret feelings for him. the feelings I had before we dated, when we were just friends. I never really knew if he felt the same way about me, but it turns out he does. He has a girlfriend now, but still admits his feelings for me. I honestly didn't think he really cared much for me anymore since he started things with her, but this week he was acting different, but familiar at the same time. He was acting like he did before we went out, when we were at that point where it was just a matter of time before he asked me out. It freaked me out at first, but then last night he came to subway and just stood there with his friend talking to me, and they stayed the rest of the time I was working. Just talking to me, he was saying little things that were defiantly "Friendlier" then just friends. I ended up having to give him a ride home which I don't mind giving people rides home, but it was the fact that he didn't really need a ride home, he just wanted me to take him home. While we were waiting outside of the mall for my mom to come, some inner feelings came out that I don't think he meant to come out. He would mention memories that we shared, and stuff that happend between us. It would have been akward if he was with another friend other then the one that was there, but I had known this kid for a long time so it didn't matter. When my mom came, she asked me to take her to kroger to get some things. While she ran in we parked the car and we just talked. Out came some more memories, and fun times and bad times, some jokes, and more, "friendlier than friends" compliments. We took him and his friend home, and when I got online last night he imed me before I could even look to see who was on. It was an interesting 2 hours of talking. our conversation was basically a "spill session" between the two of us and the feelings we know we have. We came to the conclusion that we will always have feelings for eachother, but that doesn't mean we have to take them anywhere. He has a girlfriend, but it was really weird he acted as though he didn't have one, he kept saying, If me and her break up, or if me and her don't last much longer, then yada yada. I don't really like it because, thats not fair to her, and it's not right for him to say stuff like that. not to mention the fact that I have gotten over him, and I don't think I could ever date him again. like I said I find him extremely immature, stubborn, and at times annoying. I wouldn't put myself through a relationship like that again. He also kept saying how he didn't want me to go to utah, and how I was the only girl he really liked and all this. It's pretty frustraiting, and I wish He had never said anything. I can't imagine how akward it's going to be on Tuesday morning when I get to school. It's really weird how you can control alot of things about yourself, but the one thing you want to control most is feelings, and it's not possible. People think they control their feelings but really it's denial, You still have those inner feelings no matter what, even if you don't pay any attention to them, you know they are there, might as well admit it. It does no good keeping it inside, these feelings won't go anywhere, but they will always be there.. Kinda sucks.

MUFC

I often find myself thinking of this one person.

This person is someone I love to be around, and there is never a dull moment.

He is a very mysterious person as well, and when I say mysterious I dont mean about his whole life, but it seems to be very hard for him to tell someone he likes them, or to show it.

There have been a few close calls.

If you didn't know him well you might think he was a stuck up cocky jerk that hates the world, and is only interested in one thing.

He usually has this look on his face like "Why the hell are you talking to me"

but really he is one of the nicest, most caring people I know.

Yes, he is good looking but you wouldn't think that unless you really knew him.

I've had these feelings for him for quite some time now, They kind of get stronger and weaker, but they never get me anywhere.

That's actually okay with me.

I love being his best friend, and I love spending time with him.

I dont need a title to enjoy his company.

He's never had a girlfriend, but could have any girl he wanted.

He's not like other guys.

He is very considerate of girls, and he doesn't think of them as property or sex toys.

He could care less about having sex right now.

That makes him even more attractive.

He tries to be nice to everyone he cares about.

He's not completely nice all the time though,

If you've done something he doesn't like, or you hate him and he hates you.

He just won't talk to you unless necessary.

He wouldn't bully anyone, just ignore them.

He's a one of a kind person, and I'm so glad to have met him.

Yesterday we were talking about our elementary school memories,

where the girls would chase the boys on the playground,

all the mean nicknames people gave us,

the class pets we had,

and all the teachers.

and remembering our middle school days as well,

when we pwnd in Dodgeball in 8th grade,

and he was my date to the "8th grade prom"

all the crap we gave our gym teacher,

who was actually the best gym teacher we have ever had.

I think just being with a person like that, like him, and being able to share stuff like memories of

childhood, is wayy better then the title "boyfriend girlfriend."

He still has his untouched, unknown boundry that no one has ever passed,

which is fine, and it just makes him who he is.

He knows what he wants to do with his life, and family comes before anything with him.

He is the "non-existant, no such thing, rare, once in a lifetime" kinda guy.

any girl that ends up with him,

is the luckiest girl alive.

I will always have feelings for him,

but, I won't ever let that stop me from being his best friend.