No title for this one.

I just dont think this is working...

as much as I want it to... It's just not.

what spell did you cast on me?

Why is it so hard for me to tell you what I think?

I don't want you to think I'm overthinking it... becuase I'm not.

It's really how it is. I am just no good at explaining it.

You make me nervous.

I feel cornered..

Ugh I hate this so much!

whatever dude.

Fuck what we used to have.

It's completely gone..

I'm sorry but I am not convinced...

Screw this...

I have to move on.

You don't mean what you said.

You don't love me.

You probably could care less about me..

that is until I meet someone new.

What the heck.

All I did was EVERYTHING I could for you.

Sorry you don't appreciate it.

It sucks because you're my best friend...

what happened?

"Goodmorning starshine the earth says Hello"

Oh morning time....
It can be good or bad... and the morning is the start of your day so you want to start it out really good =].

It's like a second chance every day.

You have a whole day of things to do or to plan...

You never know what exactly is going to happen...

It's kinda cool.

and those of us that love to stay up late and sleep in until one or two miss out BIG TIME!.

You can tell because when we wake up in the middle of the day... we already feel like we have no time to do anything because Half our day is gone!

I woke up early this morning to take caroline to VBS with her friend Elizabeth.. and It kind of feels good to be up early.

I want to do all these things like work out... go walking... just have some "Me" time.

It's quite refreshing actually.

yes, it is hard to get myself up... but I think if I made it a routine it wouldn't be so bad.. also if I had a reason to get up like working out... I think it would be a little easier to peel my body off the sheets ;P

I know this blog is kind of pointless... but really... it's not meant for anyone to approve wheather it's boring, dumb, or whatever... because it's for me =] so yeah =]

anyways... I Hope the rest of my day is as good as my morning so far.

today I have yoga and Panera with devin at 2.

MmMmM cinnomon crunch bagel with reduced fat Hazel nut cream Cheese <333

one evil I can never overcome =]

I'll probably end up going walking after I eat it...

I plan on getting my act together with this whole working out eating right thing...

I keep saying it but this time I plan to actually do it!

Splurging is over... Lazyness is in the past

and Becca needs to get back on track before I'm so far behind there is no way I can catch up...

with that being said let me get off this computer and go do something!

productive... :D

Turning the leaf.

While waking up today with one of the worst headaches I've ever had due to the two most obnoxious people ever arguing over dumb shit... I decided that I am NOT going to worry about a relationship.

Yes. I love him.. I don't know if he loves me back but as of now I just don't care anymore.

Caring about it isn't doing me any good at all!

so Screw relationships... screw loving people... I'm so tired of the hassel.

I'm done being extra nice to people. I'm going to do what's good for me.. and what I need to do.

call me selfish but hey, I won't have to deal with a bunch of bullshit emotion, from me, or anyone else.

I'm turning a new leaf.. and I'm going to work on things I want to work on and accomplish MY goals.

and not worry about anyone.. so All of them can just wait and sit on the back burner because I'm doing me right now.

Love it or hate it that's how just how it's going to be.

I don't have time for it.

human door mat

I'm a sucker..

I fall for it everytime.

"yes please let me do whatever you ask!"

Ugh I'm tired of it.

I'm too easy.

I need to say no every once and a while... but it's so hard... why?

ugh I hate caring... caring so much I'd do anything for them.. without any kind of appreciation or response..

Im a door mat....

Hello welcome, come in wipe your feet on me ... everyone else does.

the end.

the unread blog.

You know, I've been telling myself alot lately that I need to stop, I can do so much better... I deserve better... But whenever I talk to him... I don't want better... I want him.
It sucks so bad!!!

I just want to feel sure that he loves me. He doesn't talk about it, he doesn't even want to say the word and he kind of shows it in his own way... I don't know. It's so confusing.

I wan't to explain it to him so badly but I know he doesn't want to talk about it.

Why can't we talk about it one good time... just so he can understand where I'm coming from.

Where is the boy I fell in love with, and how is this boy keeping me here?
I guess I just keep hoping the first boy will come back.

Will he ever realize that I just want love, that's it. That is all I'm interested in.

I know he hates the word, he hates talking about it, he hates feeling obligated... but I don't think he understands that it does not have to be an obligation. I don't want him to tell me he loves me every second of everyday. He doesn't even have to tell me every day, or every week even... I just want to hear it every once and a while... just so I know he does still love me. I mean, I'm sorry if that seems like alot to ask of you... but ... it's really all I want....

I don't know maybe one day I will work up the courage to talk to you about it...

I know that it's so hard sometimes for me to stop myself from telling you I love you.

I do love you.

I would do anything for you.. can't you tell... I think you can, which is why you don't see where I'm coming from... as far as you know I am absoloutely positive you love me...

except I'm not...

Please just tell me once? Don't completely delete the word forever... It's nice to hear every once and a while...

You will never read this... =(

The Body.. MY body the way I see it.

Why is it that I have this mental block.
If I don't work out, or do anything physical and eat like crap then.. when I look at myself all I see is this huge... Untoned... Jiggly thing!

and it's like whenever I get where I want to be I mess up! and I just keep messing up!

Ugh its so depressing like it really bothers me.

Nobody else knows how I see myself though, and nobody knows how I feel.

They think I'm stupid for looking at myself like I'm fat...

But I mean that is SERIOUSLY how I see myself.... It's like all I can think about.

I know I have a problem... but I just can't fix it!

Ugh I need Meds.

That, or a personal trainer!

HELP!

EL-OH-VI-EEE

What is wrong with that word?
LOVE
Why does it cause you problems?
Am I a problem?
That night we talked for hours... You told me you loved me and it was soo Sincere so real!
How can you just ignore that!
after everything we've been through everything we've talked about.
You know how you feel.
I know how you feel... well I thought I did.
but if you refuse to use this four letter word just because you say it "does nothing but causes you problems"
then at least show it!
You don't have to literally say the word! SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME!
I show you everyday!
I do so much for you and I'd do anything you wanted ANYTHING!
I'm not asking you to be my prince charming and make it so that I dont have to lift a finger...
I just want to be appreciated.. and I want to KNOW you love me... not assume..
I don't know why it's like you put up this wall... but it's not even first instinct you remind yourself to put this wall up.
Why are you blocking me out!
please just tell me!
you won't even talk to me about it!
HOW can you expect me to just wait around for you.... I won't wait forever.
Yes I love you more than anything.. but I also need to be loved more than anything...
If you refuse to do that then I guess you're refusing me.
I just wish I knew what you were thinking.
I wish you could see what I'm thinking.
It hurts so bad to tell you I love you and then get a reply like
"you can tell me you love me, thats fine.. I just refuse to use that word because it causes problems for me"
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!!!!

You're suffocating me!

Please! GIVE ME AIR!!!
I don't want to let you go.. but it seems that you want me to!?!
You're so back and forth with your emotions I can't keep up!
Help me please!
Just help.

the game that keeps us going

So lets recap......

You and I... we hadn't spoke for a while.... I secretly Missed you and I know you missed me too.

We didn't contact eachother at all for a couple months... but we somehow knew about eachothers lives....

We were spies,

we were curious.... we hid around the bushes and peeked when the other wasn't looking...

It was like a game of hide n' seek in the dark... but only because someone blew out our candle......

Our candle that kept it going, kept us on the same team in our game...

our game was changed when the candle went out...

now,

our candle is lit =]

The feelings are back... we are so close to finding eachother its insane!

We keep getting warmer and warmer... just waiting to hear one another yell "I FOUND YOU YOU'RE IT!"

lets hurry and find eachother before the candle gets blown out...

this time... I want us to last like we always planned <3

This thing you cant get rid of.

So there's this thing I can't get rid of...

It's not something you can touch or feel...Physically... but .. Emotionally yes.

Not everyone gets the chance to feel this... It's Kinda different...

It's exciting, annoying, frustraiting, Happy, sad, Mad, Every emotion ever had.

People either Love it or hate it.... there is no inbetween..

This can be lost or found.. or there all along just never noticed...... Some people try to throw it away.. others Try to hang on a little too long.....

This thing that I can't get rid of, is something that I know deep down will be with me forever... It only comes around with one person.. this person holds the key to the lock that Keeps this thing hidden.... that is until That person comes with their Key. The key to unlock this amazing secret that everyone has heard about but not everyone understands...

There are many different types but none quite like this... this one is genuine... real... Rare... This one is mine...

I don't know if it's known yet... but It never left... I've still got it =]

and Give me four months to realize whether anything might Blossom from this Buried Seed.

We will have to wait to see =]

Can I just be absent for this?

I don't know.

I'm not a bad person.

I've never done this before.

I don't want anyone to think this was the plan all along... because trust me it wasn't 

The feelings are all the same.

It's just the circumstances that are different.

It didn't seem like it would be a big deal earlier...

But then it really happened... and Now it seems like it's all I can think about.

I don't want to... but I feel like it's the only thing TO do.

Ugh 

Why can't life be simple....

I don't want the wrong Idea to be taken from this...

So just don't interpret it.

Just wait...

It will all come....

It's still a thought process in the making...

don't worry please.

What's that supposed to mean?

So I got into The College of Idaho or "C of I" as they call it.

I'm extremely excited! It's exactly what I want.

It's made me think alot about how things will be changing in the next few months.

Also, alot of Drama has gone on that has made me think of a few things as well....

I don't know what I've decided... but I know what I've been thinking.

I'm thinking I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what I should be doing... I'm wondering if any of this is worth it? If It's as real as I think it is?

If I should just leave it alone or dig for deeper thoughts..... I'm not even worried about her, or her lies.... this is all about me, and what I'm thinking....

things are really great!

but for some reason when I say that... it doesnt feel as real as it has before... almost like its a lie?

I don't know what to do....

weird how it can never be how you want it..

=/

Feelings the songs portray

It's pretty cool How when listening to a song, Listening to the lyrics, the rhythm, the voice/instruments it sets a mood.

That mood depends on the kind of music or the words that are being said, The rhythm of the song, and the tempo at which the rhythm goes.

I love finding songs that relate to my life in more ways than one.

Songs that I can relate to a person or event that I will never forget, and then assigning a song to it will ensure I never forget it.

They are my "musical memories."

What would happen if all the music all the songs we listen to on a daily baisis just dissapeared. No evidence of them ever existing...

What would the world be like?

would the memories stay as long?

The world would be empty, or blank.

Music brings emotion of all kinds.

Without it ... what would we do?

Just a thought.

Where did the Fun games go?

Oh my god.. Tomorrow I will be 18.

That is Rediculous!

This time next year I will be living on my own, Maybe even thousands of miles away!

Time flies so fast... I wish I could go back and do some things I used to do.. like as a kid.

I would go back to the summertimes I spent every day and night at Jennifers house and we would always be outside either playing the the hose, Drawing with chalk (and getting Covered in it) or Riding bikes, roller bladeing.. Jumping on the trampoline with the hose (and soap) Swimming at the lake just tons of stuff! we were never bored then, we always had some game to play or something new to do! we were completely innocent and oblivious to anything! Now it's like We really don't have that much time to think up new games or find things to do... we are always busy working... or getting ready for something.. Or we just are too lazy to do anything at all.. It's kind of sad. I decided I'm going to make the most out of my next few months I don't care if im 18... I'm going to enjoy it Just like I would if I were 14 Life's to short to stop because of a number.

Psht not excuse me while i watch LION KING!

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