pictures are worth a thousand.. feelings?

Everyone knows the saying "pictures are worth a thousand words".

which is true, they are.

However,

to me, pictures don't just tell a story, they make me feel things.

I know that whenever I look at a picture from utah, or a picture i've taken with my friends, or any picture... the first thing I notice is how the picture makes me feel.

I was going through some pictures from when Cameron was here,

and it made me feel closer to him.

I felt like he was right here,

feeling the same thing with me.

It sounds kind of crazy but that's how it makes me feel.

It's like I could almost lean forward and kiss him,

or reach out and rub his hair.

I love to stare into his amazing blue eyes.

The pictures are what I have to be close to him.

They remind me of the great times we had.

And yes while they make me feel this way, they also make me remember the stories we have behind the pictures.

It's almost like a movie running through my head.

I love it.

I find myself looking at those pictures alot.

If only we could reach through the pictures and be together again, If only I could rub his hair, or kiss his lips.

unfortunatly that's not possible.

The pictures are better than nothing <3

anxiety

I am Anxious....

Anxious to be with him.

I want to hold him, Love him, kiss him, feel him, see him.

I need his touch, his love, his kisses.

I need his comfort.

I want him now.

My anxiety keeps getting stronger... I want summer to be here.

I want to be there with him, I never want to leave him again.

Ugh this sucks.

It's torture....

I think about him all the time. I love thinking about him.

His perfect face, amazing eyes, and loving smile.

I love his sense of humor, and the way he gets all worked up =)

I love everything about him.

I'm so anxious to see him.

5 months......

this is when I wouldn't mind time to fly.

The birds and the bees '08 style

Ha so every kid goes through the whole "birds and the bees talk". parents usually start when you're like ten and then they give it to you again when you start dating.. and sometimes just randomly....
Well The other day my mom and I went to Panera for lunch because I got out of school early due to exams. After panera we went to the bank because my mom had to deposit a whole dollar so that she wouldnt bounce a check ... shes kinda bad with money ahaha.
anyways...
so I decided since it was just the two of us I should tell her my plans for after I graduate.
I told her that I planned on moving out west to live with Cameron in his house, and I would just go to school out there.
her reply.... "Why don't you guys just get married?" (no sarcasm)
she was totally serious
and I know this beacuse she soon started talking about how she wanted to do my flowers, and how that would give her an excuse to go out west, and How we should get married and have sex rather than just live together and have sex Oh but make sure Im on the pill........
thats when I put on the breaks. There were Three things wrong with the direction this conversation was going.
One: who said anything about sex?
Two: your telling your soon to be 17 year old daughter to go get married.
Three: Birthcontrol?!
Wow I thought my mom had hit her head.
She then got into this huge thing about how she knows me and cameron love eachother, and how we know eachother better than anyone. and how it only makes sense that we get married...
personally... I plan to wait...
lol
it was weird.... but interesting..
haah mom...

I want my life back

ugh, I'm so tired of being here.

I'm tired of alot of the people here, and I'm tired of my parents.

I'm tired of being away from you.

I want to be with my family, I want to be where I belong.

I can't wait to leave this place.. and say goodbye to everything that I've had to put up with for the past 13 years.

I just want to be my own person, do what I want to do.

Sure that sounds immature and juvenile.. but i don't care.

everyone wants independence.

I am just so much happier out there than here.

I feel so trapped here.

I never wanted to leave.

I've wanted to go back since I left.

February 19, 2009 needs to come fast.

I don't hate everything and everyone out here.

I love my friends.

I wouldn't be able to live without them.

Everything just feels so aggravating.. ugh I just can't even put the feeling into words.

I miss him, i miss my family, I miss being free, I miss not having parents there to set dumb rules that serve no purpose but to make them feel more powerful.

I hate my step dad.

I hate not being able to sleep in my own room.

I just want My life lived MY way.

that's all.

UGH Teenage years... Ill miss them when they're over...

but for now....

I don't care much for them.

A few things about you

So I don't understand why you like hurting peoples feelings? You talk about Peace and love and everyone getting along, but then you go and hurt people without caring, you leave people in the cold and don't think twice about what you've just done.

You're selfish. Always thinking of Numero uno. You act as though your this great guy that gets along with everyone. Your a hippy, no wait your hardcore... oh but yesterday you were just a film maker from Texas that liked to play lacrosse, your dads a preacher but until recently, there is no such thing as god. Your against war and you think enslaving children is wrong, yet you tell people you would like to bring a child from Cambodia just to make you tacos!? You can never tell anyone how you feel and mean it, yet say it in a normal way. Life isn't a song, its not a poem and not everything can be told that way so stop trying to make it work.

Yes your still a good friends you just have a few personal issues to work out. We miss the old you, the one that was caring and nice and didn't try to change for other people. The one who knew what he wanted, and didn't really care what anyone thought about it.. yet wasn't rude about it. I'm not the only one who sees this, your other friends see it too. We all miss the old you. That one week wasn't what changed you. You've been different since the beginning of this year. You gradually get worse.

Before, we kind of just put up with it... but now that you've affected our group of friends to the point where one little thing as dumb as "not being able to come over" sets off an explosion of emotion she was holding inside her. Pain and anger you caused her. we all know you made a dumb choice. and though you agree, I don't think you really do. I think you don't care about what you did to her. you don't care how awkward you have made getting together with everyone. You are still just thinking about yourself and what you have on your mind. You don't care that you hurt her. She tells you how she feels and you just act like a 3 year old getting told to do something over and over. We all know it's never hard for you to understand things... you live for music and lyrics, you spend all your time writing poetry about EVERYTHING. so not understanding something as simple as "I miss YOU not what we did" , or "who you were before is not who you are now" would be an invalid excuse.

You don't really have an excuse. so stop your acting stop acting like it affects you so deeply. who are you fooling? not us, we know you really don't think twice about it. You're happier not having an amazing relationship that "blew your mind" for some fantasy that's never going to happen.

Yeah you did screw up BIG TIME

and yes you still have your friends...and we still care about you, which is why you need to know this... you've hurt someone who did nothing but care about you, and that affects all of us.

WAY TO GO!

way to be a jerk to someone who's intentions were only to love, as you said you would.

Nobody likes a fake or a liar...

Think about it.

Missing you

Ugh I knew this would happen.

I knew this would come after the fun.

No, our relationship is amazing.

It's as beautiful as ever.

I just miss you.

More than I've ever missed anyone before.

I love talking to you for hours at a time... I just wish we had more time to talk.

I love talking about the times we had.

I miss them.

like the time when we were laying with each other just looking into each others eyes and we fell asleep.

that was the longest and best nap I've ever taken just because it was with you.

I love how when we finally did wake up we just layed there and talked.

and when we played it was like we were 7 I loved playing with you.

You would tickle me and I would tickle you. we would give each other a hard time, and just have fun.

I remember listening to music with you, paying attention to every lyric and noticing how much our feelings related

to the songs.

I miss your hugs.

they are so much more comforting than anyones.

Not because your better at giving hugs, but because its a different kind of love I get out of those hugs.

I miss holding your hand when we walked around, and always having you there right next to me.

The car rides we would take, when I would drive and tell you about everything, and you would just smile and keep your hand on my leg.

I miss every look you have ever given me, I miss every touch. I miss everything about you.

I can't wait to see you this summer. It's going to seem like forever getting there.

but once I do, I know I will be alright, because I will finally be with you.

the guy I love.

the guy I would do anything for.

The guy that never wants to hurt me, and always lets me know how much he cares.

I love you, and It will be great to be in your arms again.

the beginning

ah so I figure since its the middle of January I should probably update this thing.

I guess I'll write about my winter break since its pretty much the highlight of my year so far. It was totally the best way to end 2007. and Yeah that might sound gay/corny.. and yeah you might think I care?... but I dont care and yeah it is corny.

Anyways.

so this year when my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas my reply was.."to go to Idaho and see Cameron."

of course being MY mother.. she was not down with that. So she made the suggestion that He came out here for christmas.

I was pretty shocked that she would even suggest that, and I wasn't going to ask because I was almost 100% positive the answer would have been "NO". However, she proved me wrong and I am glad. =]
So we worked out the technicalities and before I knew it the date was set for December 20th.. the Day cameron would be here.

Naturally it took FOREVER for that day to get here and the closer it got the longer it took. It was aggrivating!
When the day was finally here I was so excited It was insane!
That night My mom, Briea, and I drove down to Raleigh to pick him up at the Airport. His flight was supposed to come in at 11:10 it was a little late of course. I was extremely nervous. I don't think i have ever been that nervous before in my whole life! it was rediculous! He came down the stairs and it was so weird seeing him after not seeing him since August! We hugged and got his luggage and were soon on our way home.
We got to my house at about 1 in the morning almost 2, and of course we weren't tired at all. We sat up and talked and talked and talked all night =] It was great.
The next day We had school but bre and I didn't go (duh that would be dumb) It was the last day of school anyways. We were supposed to go to Stephens house that night for a Christmas party. We spent the day Showing Cameron Lynchburg, and The 5 levels of Heritage High school when School was out. We did some shopping, and Went to Brieas house until it was time for the party. Later that night we went to the party and had a great time He met stefan, sam, shintae, gregg, christy, and the parents of course. He was kind of shy but thats expected. we had a great time! We took Briea home and went to my house. The next few days were spent spending time with eachother, talking, cuddling, driving around ect ect. It took me about three days to realize it was all real. That he was really here and we were really together and happy. =]
We went out to eat on Christmas eve at TGI fridays.. not the best place but it was good. We spent the night watching movies and cuddling. The night before we got introuble because We were watching superbad and we fell asleep. And of course we were watching it in my room on my bed so my parents were just like,.... dont do that again.. but really we didnt mean to. Anyways,
So Christmas day we watched grandmas boy and hung out at my dads new appartment. That was alright, The next day we were on our way To Georgia to see my family. I'm sure Cameron was extremely nervous but I was extremely glad he was there. We stayed in this really nice place. It was a farm and this HUGE farm house that is usually rented out by rooms, but since we were the only ones who wanted to rent we got the whole house to ourselves =] it was extremely nice! and we had goats, donkeys, Llamas, Birds, and a bunch of other animals as our neighbors it was pretty awesome =]. Georgia was alot of fun.
I had a couple firsts there, Like....

*First time trying Lengua (cow tounge)

* First time Trying Jack Daniels

* First time Getting shitfaced drunk

* First time waking up trying to remember anything other than trying to find the toilet to pee, the night before.

*first time Ray lasted a whole week in a good mood.

It was an awesome trip.

My family was kinda gay about cameron being there but I didnt care and neither did he.

We took tons of great pictures, Got really close, and had a great time =]

Camerons a sweetie.

We got back from GA and spent new years eve at brieas house with her family and their friends.

that was fun

Sneaking alcohol under her mothers nose but to the knowledge of her dad was sweet.

Losing my driving priviledges due to 2 extra people in the car.

Driving to walmart and Target looking for New year hats and horns...

Yeah it was alot of fun =]

The next morning we ate cereal and went home. We spent Camerons last few days together seeing movies, talking about live problems and memories, just talking about everything.

The night before he left we stayed up until 4 in the morning just talking about everything. What will change, what has happend, what will come this summer, next year.. ect ect..

we woke up at 6 the next morning and went to NC. Camerons flight was at 9:10 a.m. I walked him in the airport and we got his ticket, we had like 46 min before they would board so we sat in the security part for a while just holding eachother. He told me he didnt want me to cry so I didnt. He had to leave though, it was really hard watching him walk through the security knowing it would be at least 6 months before I see him again. It would be really weird not being with him after being with him every minute for 2 weeks streight. So Yeah I did cry a little but not alot. I stopped by the time I got back to the car. On the way home, mom got a speeding ticket... 78 in a 55 zone... yeah wreckless. I went to Brieas when i got back and hung with her, gregg, and Kristy. we hiked up to the LU it was great. I miss cameron alot. I miss the memories we have, and the times we spent together just looking into eachothers eyes talking without moving our lips. He's seriously an amazing guy. I know that is something that girls usually say about their boyfriends... but honestly cameron is different. Hes not just my boyfriend, hes my best friend. We trust eachother, we talk about everything, we are extremely open with eachother about everything. He's so different than any other guy. I love him.. honestly I love him.

that word is used so easily these days its not really a believable thing anymore...

and I really dont care if people believe me, I know what I feel. I love him.

I cant wait until we can be together again <3

I feel like this is the beginning of a new beginning.