Lable me..?

So apparently... I'm now a prep....

The reasons I am Labeled a prep...

1. HOLY SHIT! i wear Polo's!

2. OH GOD no converse?

3. DAMN! she wears jewelry!

4. OH SKEET! no eyeliner!

5. NO WAY! It all matches and looks good together!

Yeah so apparently that makes me a prep.... Granted.. I still act the same, Still listen to the same music... and I continue to make it aware that I'm not pushed around, played with, and I'm Definitely NOT something you can just grab when desired.

but Wait.. I'm not the same Becca because I dress different... wow People are stupid!

labels are gay.

and People need to seriously get lives!

=] that's all

Oh yeah

and for all those guys who think they can Try stuff with me just because I'm apparently "different" ...

3 words...

Go fuck yourselves.

GUFN

GUFN.

(grounded until further notice)

Yep.

Guess what.... Becca's grounded!

haha I'm grounded for skipping Chemistry.

Two days in a row.

sucks..

I was supposed to go to a party tonight..

Not happening.

Driving my car for 2 weeks...

SIKE

Party next weekend?

You wish!

I have nothing to look forward too..

except the day the "further notice" part springs into action.

So until then I shall be bumming rides to and from Swim practice...

Riding the bus to school which means getting ready earlier...
no going to the store on my own....

Dang... lets not skip class anymore.

It was fun though...

oh well.

I have tons of time to work on Cameron's Christmas present now.

It's amazing!

Yeah and I got a Job at Ruby Tuesday today as a hostess =]

Good Job Becca!

I'm really excited

I love that place!

and they don't have food sitting in front of you to eat.

ugh thank goodness I can also wear my hair down!

and actually look decent!

plus ... TIPS

im excited!

no more chicken =]

20 days till cameron comes... And counting down...

well I think i might go read... Woah holy crap

yes.

Me Reading!

hah

this will hurt later....

open your eyes

It's Kind of funny how an insult from one of your friends being a jerk can completely open your eyes to something obvious. So today at lunch I was told that I'm a dumbass because I get D's and at first I was really mad, and It kind of hurt my feelings, but then I thought about it alot and It made me realize... I don't have to get D's. That's just something that I accepted... my train of thought was ... "hey at least im passing" but I mean Why not try to get amazing grades? why do I have to settle for lowest of the low without failing? I'm better than that... I'm just lazy.. Becca You need to wake up. I am a Junior this year and I have no idea what my average is but guaranteed its not as good as it could be. I've decided now is the perfect time to start caring. I need to study, I need to pay attention, Stop skipping class to go to the art room. I need to bring my average up to at least a B an A would be amazing. I know that the colleges im looking at require at least a B average,... so I need to make that happen. and now is the perfect time. It's the start of a new six weeks in the middle of the first semester. I'm determined... I just hope it stays as a determination of mine.... hm maybe I should get insulted more often.... no... thats ok...

Meine Freunde

So this year I have really discovered who my true friends are. I'm not entirely sure I've written about this.. I might have and if so.. oh well never hurts to write it again. Anyways so I've come to realize how amazing my friends are. We always have such great times, and we are always there for eachother. It's so great to have these people in my life. I honestly don't think I could ever leave them. It will really suck next year when we graduate and all we will have left are memories... luckily we have a photographer, and a movie producer/editor in our group =]. I will never forget all the great times we have together. It seems like anything we do, wheather it's something huge and amazing.. or just something as simple as chilling in one of our basements with a couple

guitars.. we have the most amazing times ever. I couldn't ask for such an amazing mix of friends too. No two friends of mine are alike.. infact we are all very different, we have some similarities but for the most part... we are all different. It's great! that's what makes our friendships so strong... our differences... and how they really don't matter =]. Ugh I could go on forever about my friends but I would probably just be repeating myself. This entry doesn't really have any structure.. its just coming from the top of my head... but hey its for me anyways. =]

Thanksgiving

Ah another Thanksgiving. Time spent with family gorging ourselves. but hey we're together right? Yeah well the complaining of the extra pounds won't come until later.
This year has been a bit different.
It really doesn't feel like a holiday at all. Other than the fact that everything is closed and the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade was on this morning. It's just seemed like a boring Un-eventful day. Yeah we had lots of food... but I wasn't even really hungry so I had a little not much... and due to the fact that I'm getting thinner because of swimming, my family came to the conclusion that I must be on some freak "no food" diet and that's how I'm getting thinner... ever heard of exercise? and NOT gorging yourself? I took a nice nap though, and finally finished the book "Glass" Crank and Glass totally make me never want to even look at meth or coke. but anyways. I've been thinking alot about cameron.
I want to be with him.
I want to feel his arms around me.
eh mushy right?
yeah well I can't help that.
I want his lips.
his perfectly shaped lips.
how great it will be 28 days from now...
yes im counting down.. sue me.
Ray is being anal about it, I just think its the lack of Power he's had lately. he'll get over it.
I'm not about to let him ruin my fun.
Happy Thanksgiving... is it Christmas yet?

This feeling has to be real

I've never felt like this before.

Sure I've been happy, but never like this.

This takes dedication, and extreme loyalty and trust.

Something we both have.

That's rare.

I never ever thought I would do this,

but im so glad I did.

I can't see myself with anyone else.

Sure call this cliche, doubt it all you want,

And you may be right, you may not.

all I know is I've never felt like this before about anyone.

There have been wayy too many coinsidences, for this to be fake.

our story is like one of make believe that people only tell to make you feel good.

It's not common.

These feelings, so strong and confident.

I can't help but to believe this could actually last a long time.

I don't want to say anything I regret, therefore I'm not.

I believe I love him.

I know I love him.

Wow, and all this time I was looking somewhere I dont even love to be.

who knew Love could be somewhere as uncommon as

"Idaho"

Autumn leaves put on your long sleeves

Ahh fall.... the best time of year.

Maybe its the color combinations the trees have,

or the cool chill that lasts all day,

I don't know what it is but fall is the best season of the four.

I always enjoy just sitting outside and Looking around, thinking about things that have taken place in the past days, weeks, and months.
It makes me want to run, or walk.
just enjoy it anyway i can.
It is also when my number of photos taken is at its peak.
Unfortunately my camera is on the fritz and had to be sent off to get fixed.
the focuser in the lens wasn't working right.
so I'm going to either miss out on some awesome pictures,
or borrow my friends camera until mine is alive again.
I would hate to miss out on some pictures so my friend better be in a generous mood.
I think another reason I love fall is the football games.
I don't understand everything about the sport,
but for some reason I Love going to the football games.
It might just be because all my friends go, and it turns out to be a very social event,
or maybe its just how everyone from different "cliques" come together to show their school spirit.
not sure, but I love them.
so long story short
Fall is the best... thats it.

2 words.

FUCK BOYS.

out with a bang

Ah the last evening of summer, and it is spent in my house on blognet? haha im afraid so.

I always hate this time of year, when Summer is over and you go to bed knowing you have to wake up before the fucking birds in the morning, to go to a place you don't even want to be at. Especially since my sleeping shedule is still bedtime....3:00-5:00a.m. wake up.....12:00-3:00p.m. ...ugh im going to miss those hours. My summer has been good though, it just went by pretty fast. alot has happend. this past week was a good way to end it though. I hung out with alot of my friends, went to busch gardens, went to the HHS football game,... and we won.... talked with my best friends about what we are planning on doing this year for school events and such. I dont know its just been good. I am also in the middle of making a "video diary" for my friend cameron. we are recording our lives, and where we live and stuff and when we are done we will send them to eachother =]. I'm pretty excited. I've been thinking about what I want to record to show him. I will probably just take the camera everywhere and record like at school, and my friends, and stuff like that. haha even when my moms yelling at me =D that would be great. but yeah I've started to work on that, He and I have been talking everynight for hours at a time. its pretty neat. we always have stuff to talk about, and hes just a really great friend. but anways thats for another blog. So I got my license yesterday =] of course it wont be valid until september 21st and I have to save 300 dollars first before I can drive my car on my own. My parents are also talking about getting another car, and then I can drive either one as can they.... but personally I don't care as long as I have SOMETHING to drive lol. It should be good, then I can waist my gas instead of always waisting my friends and feeling bad... but I think this year will be full of some crazy stuff, I dont think im ready for it quite yet, but that doesn't matter because tomorrow it's here.... FUCK!

Utah

this summer I was finally able to go to utah and see my family. It has been 2 years and ALOT has changed. It was even better this time because my dad got to go, as well as my siblings, but it was more important to me that my dad went becuase he needs to get away from his witch of a wife, and he hasn't seen his family since 2001! It was also cool to spend time with my dad without his wife there. I havn't had that chance since they were married. So that was awesome. It was a long flight to utah. we left the Lynchburg airport at 11a.m and flew on this extremely tiny airplane to the Big ass Atlanta airport, and we had a 4 hour layover. then we got on a plane and flew 4 hours to vegas, once in vegas we had another 2 hour layover, but its ok because the vegas airport is full of slots and extremely attractive people =D it was nice. but anways at about 10 we got on a plane to fly to Salt Lake City utah, I still dont understand why we had to fly past Utah and then to utah.. but whatever we got there at around 11 p.m. met up with my aunt and uncle and drove 45 min. to Provo. When we got there it felt like we were home, it was so weird but cool at the same time. I hung with my cousin shane and we talked about gays and lesbians and bisexuals and all his movies he has... he has quite a few. it was interesting but fun, so the next few days were spent Seeing family that lived out there and such, and then friday we dove to Yuba lake =D that was fun! I went last time I went to utah. that was fun, we went waverunning, and we slept in tents on the beach, we found a rattlesnake, and saw the wildfires that were burning a mile away. there was also some freak windstorm the 2nd night we stayed. that was kind of cool it was because of the wildfire and you could see the glow of the fire, it was really pretty but dangerous at the same time. Alot of our family camped with us, 4 of my dads brothers and their kids, and 1 of his sisters, along with my grandma and grandpa... for the Beaumont family HOLY SHIT thats alot of kids! but it was fun, and It was cool driving through the desert to and from yuba, after we left yuba lake we went to beaver to see my grandma and grandpas house. He is the BIGGEST pack rat ever! he has cars in his backyard that my dad had and wrecked when he was my age. its insane. and there are 2 dogs back there somewhere that i never saw but could hear its that bad! so we were in beaver for one night, with some of my cousins and aunts.. it was crowded. we went around and met EVERYONE because I seem to be related to that whole town! and the next day we went to the Pioneer day perade on mainstreet, Pioneer day is a Utah holiday thats pretty huge, its when The mormon pioneers settled utah... yeah mormons... anyways so we watched that, then we kind of just hung around town and left late in the afternoon. the rest of the time in utah was mostly spent, watching movies, going to seven peaks waterpark, playing soccer, eating at cookouts, going to skateparks and the mall, and learning how to make new food.

I did however get to see my friend Cameron =D he lives in Idaho but was going to St. George utah to spend a few weeks at his friends house. so on his way in he stopped by provo and we hung out and talked for a bit. that was cool =D then on his way back he stopped again and we went to lunch.. he was hungover... it was interesting but I still had a good time with him. after we took my dad and siblings to the airport chad and I were excited that we still had 2 weeks. more importantly 2 weeks without the little kids! Oh man that was great! we mostly spent it hanging with our cousins and their friends though, I was introduced to the rich people mall and all their outragiously priced PLAIN WHITE SHIRTS! my cousin for some reason is into that whole Namebrand thing.. but if you knew him it would make sense. I went and saw Hairspray... and I dont plan on watching it again. I saw a ton of shooting stars while i was out there. The sky is so clear at night, I love it, Utah is an awesome place. I love being there. the weather is perfect, the mountains are so majestic and Amazing to look at, the desert land is even gorgeous. the people are nice (because they are all mormons) there are no black folks. and the mexicans work like they should. its awesome. I am looking forward to going back hopefully next summer. Its good to be back though to see my friends, but I do miss utah alot.

ahh Lifes lessons

well, Me and Tyler are no more due to the simple fact that he cheated on me. End of story.

So after a long argument I ended it, and He still doesn't get it... WHAT A GUY!!!

anyways, Its ok I'm leaving day after tomorrow to go stay with my family In Utah for a month. It will be a great getaway, and It's going to be awesome to see all of my cousins and friends in Utah. It will be cool to see how much things have changed since I last visited 2 years ago. I'm also really excited to see my friend Rick! I haven't seen him since Last summer and it was for like 30 min. we plan on going to lagoon, which is a theme park much like Kings dominion Only better =D its full of Mormons! ha ha Just kidding. but its alot more fun! I also get to see my friend Devan =] That should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while, Just text messages here and there. I'm excited to leave. I might not come back ha ha If i have too much fun, It wouldn't be a big deal if i stayed, I think the only reason to come back would be to see my good friends =] so your welcome. I'm realizing more and more everyday How much my friends mean to me. This summer has really shown me who my true friends are. I have also come to the conclusion that Happiness=Future heartbreak... but what can ya do? just live life day by day that's what.

Whats wrong with this?

Yeah so It's technically only been one full day because I last saw him yesterday morning.

It's so crazy though because it seems like its been a month already! which I kind of wish it has, because then I wouldnt have to wait so long to see him again! uhgh!

im so retarded this shouldnt be bugging me like this, but for some odd reason it is. It's weird, Im so used to being able to see him whenever I want. He lives next door its pretty convenient but now that hes not there anymore its killing me!

I've been trying to keep my mind off of it by working, and cleaning, and behind the wheel, and summer school.

No matter how hard I try though i cant stop thinking about him.

I wish there was some way he could call me, or he could find a computer to get on even if it was just for 6 min. It would be better then 6 min i sit there missing him. UGh this is torture, August 14th I kinda want you to hurry up and get here!

T0 you it may concern

Dear you,

your going through some hard times right now, and i know it's put a dent in what we were starting. I want you to know I am here for you no matter what. I dont care if we never progress as long as we have the feeling of security that we have now. I dont need the title to go with the feeling. You are my best friend and I'm letting you know its better to let it out. Don't contain what you feel, I know it's hard and scary but I'm here for you. Trust me no one knows like I do what you are afraid to go through. I've been there it's not fun, and no it doesnt seem real. I hope it doesnt happen, I pray it doesnt, but if it does, Im here. I love you Know that.

Sincerely, Me

about time

I think it's actually happening.

The feelings, the moods, they are all there.

He has to like me he does I know he does there's no way he could be acting this way and not.

He's not that kind of person he doesnt know how to play people.

I'm really excited =D

I think he knows how I feel about him truely and Honestly and it has only gotten better!

He's the one ive been waiting for the one everyone wants. He doesnt want sex or interaction of any kind he just wants a girl he can spend time with and have fun. A girl who laughs at his jokes and tells some herself, the kind of girl that isn't to caught up in what shes wearing or how her hair looks to have fun! A girl that won't be over the top fake kind of nice to him all the time. Call me stupid but I think that sounds like me.... Maybe im cocky but Oh well. hes my best friend one of those friends that even if we never went out we might as well be because we are perfect. end of story.

On the verge of something new.

Lately, he's seemed closer, a bit more open. It's been nice. I'm starting to think that maybe there is something that could happen. Maybe I was wrong at thinking that he wouldn't ever have feelings for anyone, especially me. I dont know maybe I'm just thinking these things because its what I want to think. I dont know it just seems like everyday we get closer and closer. He's tried to make me laugh alot more lately, it's kind of ovious.. he applied for a job at my work, and is extremely eager to get it. Which is weird because the pay isn't that great... I promise.. so I dont know like I said maybe it's just what I want to happen so my mind is looking for signs that he might actually like me even if its not true. Who knows. It would be nice if we could get into a deep conversation where we tell eachother how we feel. We've been close a few times, who knows maybe if we start working together we will end up talking about our feelings. We'd be together alot more then, and who knows. It's just seemed different.... in a good way. He's my best friend though so it might be kind of weird if anything did happen... I dont know feelings are confusing UGHHHH
maybe its the start of something new....

Yearbook class AKA GAYYYYYYYYY

Blogging from Yearbook class is always fun.
I'm kind of in a "bleh, I don't care about anything" type of mood.
School is old news, along with this stupid yearbook. The teacher is a noob who didn't decide to start acting like a teacher until about a month ago. Pretty gayyy
But I'm so ready for summer to start. These last minute cram sessions just to prove that I'm smart enough to go to the next grade, is kinda gayyy.
but not as gay as the preparation. uhhhggg school gets old fast.
So I've got my last soccer game of the season today, and I have to say that I'm not going to miss the team much. They are just a bunch of dramatic, immature, freshman who are always worried about who's watching them. It's annoying. So I'm pretty glad that its over, not to mention we can actually beat this team.... they kind suck.... now because I said that.. I bet we will lose today.... way to go Becca.
oh well, its all over after today. I'm going to miss the workouts, and how good it is for me, but I'm going to make it a habit to do that on my own. I'm planning on running cross country next year, so I will be running all summer anyways.
Hey maybe I will finally get rid of some fat I've been frustrated with lately.... that would be nice huh?
So I'm really starting to miss the whole relationship thing. I don't know why, It's kind of retarded, but I think I just want to know that I have that someone that will always be there for me, and just mine. I don't know, maybe it's just because its spring so everyones all "twitterpated
who knows. It just sucks.
Summer in Utah should be good, maybe I'll meet someone out there. I'm not going to Look for anyone but if I met someone it would be cool, except I live in VA. but whatever who knows. I'll still have fun with my cousins who are apparently now both criminals in some shape or form.
Well technically one's a criminal and the other is a druggie. "And I thought they were going to be the good ones." Boy was I wrong. Apparently my "on the edge of homo" cousin Shane loves to steal jewelry, and what's worse is he gets sick pleasure out of it.... kinda weird right? Yeah
and then my cousin Michael is a druggie who got busted with paraphernalia. WTF?!
I don't feel like such a slacker anymore.
I'm probably going to be saying goodbye to freedom for a the next 3 weeks probably though, due to some bad marks on my report card that my mom doesn't know about yet.
I'm debating on whether I'm going to alter it or not. I think it would be better if I was just honest with my mom, and told her that my grades sucked, but my plan is to start out by bringing up my messed up stepsister, and then dropping a line kinda like "aren't you glad im not like that?" and then be like Oh yeah By the way, I got three F's in school.... yeah I'm sorry.
So we will see what happens.
wow 6 minutes until the bell rings.
Ugh that means 7th period, which is history, is next for me.
man that's the longest effing class of the day, and I don't like anyone in that class except for Dakota, but he's being kinda retarded lately because he doesn't know how to deal with rejection.... oh well he better get over it today.
Ugh I have to work alot this week, and probably all day Saturday because Glass is having their prom and there is no one else to work, so kinda sucks but hey its moneyz right?
and Stefan's going to apply at subway like tomorrow, I've been talking to my manager so I hope he gets the job, that would just be the most awesome thing ever.
All my best friends (except sian) would be with or near me =D how great is that.
except Devin's quitting in June, but I say... It's about time, I mean dag 2 years at Chick-fil-a DAMN.
well bells about to ring, so let me wrap this up with something meaningful like...........................
ahh fuck it.

Regret

Regret:

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc)

We all feel a sense of regret sometimes. It's no fun, and you just wish you could go back and change whatever it is that your regretting.

I don't have feelings for him, so why did I let it happen?

was it even real? or was it a dream?, we haven't talked about it.

We dug a deep hole.

Now we need to go fill it, you did wrong, as so did I.

Lets face it

no one's perfect.

thank god we didn't do anything extremely stupid,

but if the circumstances were different would we have taken the extra steps?

Ran some more bases possibly?

Lets be glad the circumstances were what they were.

I didn't mean for it to happen, don't think I wanted it.

I didn't

I just couldn't stop it.

Maybe there are things I haven't realized yet.
Maybe everyone was right about us?

lets not get ahead of ourselves..

all I feel now is
Regret.

Let's not hide from the truth today.

There is always that someone. The person you will never forget, and will always have those feelings for even if you don't want them. You can't help it. This weekend I've realized that I will always have feelings for this person, We dated last year and even though I find him to be extremely immature, and annoying at times, I realize that I still have secret feelings for him. the feelings I had before we dated, when we were just friends. I never really knew if he felt the same way about me, but it turns out he does. He has a girlfriend now, but still admits his feelings for me. I honestly didn't think he really cared much for me anymore since he started things with her, but this week he was acting different, but familiar at the same time. He was acting like he did before we went out, when we were at that point where it was just a matter of time before he asked me out. It freaked me out at first, but then last night he came to subway and just stood there with his friend talking to me, and they stayed the rest of the time I was working. Just talking to me, he was saying little things that were defiantly "Friendlier" then just friends. I ended up having to give him a ride home which I don't mind giving people rides home, but it was the fact that he didn't really need a ride home, he just wanted me to take him home. While we were waiting outside of the mall for my mom to come, some inner feelings came out that I don't think he meant to come out. He would mention memories that we shared, and stuff that happend between us. It would have been akward if he was with another friend other then the one that was there, but I had known this kid for a long time so it didn't matter. When my mom came, she asked me to take her to kroger to get some things. While she ran in we parked the car and we just talked. Out came some more memories, and fun times and bad times, some jokes, and more, "friendlier than friends" compliments. We took him and his friend home, and when I got online last night he imed me before I could even look to see who was on. It was an interesting 2 hours of talking. our conversation was basically a "spill session" between the two of us and the feelings we know we have. We came to the conclusion that we will always have feelings for eachother, but that doesn't mean we have to take them anywhere. He has a girlfriend, but it was really weird he acted as though he didn't have one, he kept saying, If me and her break up, or if me and her don't last much longer, then yada yada. I don't really like it because, thats not fair to her, and it's not right for him to say stuff like that. not to mention the fact that I have gotten over him, and I don't think I could ever date him again. like I said I find him extremely immature, stubborn, and at times annoying. I wouldn't put myself through a relationship like that again. He also kept saying how he didn't want me to go to utah, and how I was the only girl he really liked and all this. It's pretty frustraiting, and I wish He had never said anything. I can't imagine how akward it's going to be on Tuesday morning when I get to school. It's really weird how you can control alot of things about yourself, but the one thing you want to control most is feelings, and it's not possible. People think they control their feelings but really it's denial, You still have those inner feelings no matter what, even if you don't pay any attention to them, you know they are there, might as well admit it. It does no good keeping it inside, these feelings won't go anywhere, but they will always be there.. Kinda sucks.

MUFC

I often find myself thinking of this one person.

This person is someone I love to be around, and there is never a dull moment.

He is a very mysterious person as well, and when I say mysterious I dont mean about his whole life, but it seems to be very hard for him to tell someone he likes them, or to show it.

There have been a few close calls.

If you didn't know him well you might think he was a stuck up cocky jerk that hates the world, and is only interested in one thing.

He usually has this look on his face like "Why the hell are you talking to me"

but really he is one of the nicest, most caring people I know.

Yes, he is good looking but you wouldn't think that unless you really knew him.

I've had these feelings for him for quite some time now, They kind of get stronger and weaker, but they never get me anywhere.

That's actually okay with me.

I love being his best friend, and I love spending time with him.

I dont need a title to enjoy his company.

He's never had a girlfriend, but could have any girl he wanted.

He's not like other guys.

He is very considerate of girls, and he doesn't think of them as property or sex toys.

He could care less about having sex right now.

That makes him even more attractive.

He tries to be nice to everyone he cares about.

He's not completely nice all the time though,

If you've done something he doesn't like, or you hate him and he hates you.

He just won't talk to you unless necessary.

He wouldn't bully anyone, just ignore them.

He's a one of a kind person, and I'm so glad to have met him.

Yesterday we were talking about our elementary school memories,

where the girls would chase the boys on the playground,

all the mean nicknames people gave us,

the class pets we had,

and all the teachers.

and remembering our middle school days as well,

when we pwnd in Dodgeball in 8th grade,

and he was my date to the "8th grade prom"

all the crap we gave our gym teacher,

who was actually the best gym teacher we have ever had.

I think just being with a person like that, like him, and being able to share stuff like memories of

childhood, is wayy better then the title "boyfriend girlfriend."

He still has his untouched, unknown boundry that no one has ever passed,

which is fine, and it just makes him who he is.

He knows what he wants to do with his life, and family comes before anything with him.

He is the "non-existant, no such thing, rare, once in a lifetime" kinda guy.

any girl that ends up with him,

is the luckiest girl alive.

I will always have feelings for him,

but, I won't ever let that stop me from being his best friend.

April 28.

Today is April 28, 2007

The anniversary of the day that changed our lives.

6 years ago today we had no idea that we would wake up to one less family member.

We had no idea that tonight would be the last night we tucked our sister in.

We didn't know it would be the last day we drank "Bwu koowaid" with her.

and the last night of playing dora on the trampoline, chad being "swifer".

We didn't expect this, she was only 2 she had her whole life to live with us.

None of us could die, not until we got old.

or so we thought.

Previously on this day 6 years ago My friend Rebekah and I had gone to our friend Kelcee's birthday party at the Y.

She came over afterwards and we had been playing with olivia, McQuaid, and chad on the trampoline.

we had a cookout, and played with some toys I had.

She was planning on spending the night which I was excited about because, she hadn't spent the

night in a long time.

at about 10:15 she decided that she wanted to go home because she wanted to see her dad.

(He always worked until really late)

I was dissapointed but I wasn't going to force her to stay.

Me and my dad took her home and when we got back I decided I wanted to sleep downstairs.

I went in my room and got my pillow, blanket, and got the stuffed lion Bekah had given me for my birthday.

My dad was tucking Olivia in her bed while I went downstairs.

Me, Chad, and McQuaid were all downstairs watching threes company.

I fell asleep,

at 11:32 I woke up to a sharp pain in my right arm.

But when I opened my eyes I didnt look at my arm, I noticed the Hot orange flames by my head.

I jumped up hit chad on the head and yelled for him to go upstairs.

Me and Him ran upstairs to get my mom and dad.

My dad came running out of his room while I told my mom and he looked down the stairs and saw the flames.
"GET THE KIDS!"

is all I heard him say.

My mom grabbed Caroline out of her crib in my parents room,

and My mom, chad, and I all ran outside across the street.

My dad went outside around the back door to get to McQuaid,

He was in the apartment section of our house.

he was on the floor yelling help when my dad found him.

My dad grabbed him and ran him up to where we were at on our neighbors porch dialing 911.

My parents both stopped suddenly and looked at eachother with fear in their faces and muttered "OLIVIA"

My dad went running up to the front door but he couldnt go that way because the flames had come up from the basement. He ran down to the shed as fast as he could and grabbed a ladder and put it against her bedroom window.

The firetrucks arrived and all you could hear was the roar of the fire and the sound of my dad breaking the glass on olivias window.

The fire marshalls tried to stop him from going in the house unprotected but he didnt listen.

He finally got into the house and grabbed my sister. He passed her sleeping body to the fire marshall and they rushed her to an ambulence.

Me and Chad were sitting on my Neighbors couch when I felt that sharp pain in my arm again.

I looked at my arm and there was ash all over it, along with singed arm hairs.

It hurt really bad.

I told my neighbor and she brought the fire marshall up to look at it.

they decided that I needed to go to the Hospital to have it looked at.

My dad and I got into a police car and they took us to General Hospital.

It turned out my whole arm had a second degree burn.

They put this stuff on it and wrapped it up, and told me how to take care of it and stuff.

They then told my dad and I to go into this room.

This blank, room.

with 2 couches, a coffee table with parental magazines, and a picture of some flowers on the wall.

We sat in there together he was hugging me looking at my arm telling me he was glad I was alright when the doctor came in.

He had a clip board infront of his face, he moved the clipboard and put it by his side.

he took a deep breath.

"We put Olivia on an Oxygen tank when we put her into the ambulence, She has alot of smoke on her lungs, I'm sorry to say that your daughter didn't make it."

My dad grabbed me harder than he had ever grabbed me in my life, he started crying harder then I had ever seen anybody cry. I cried with him.

It was impossible, the doctor was crazy, olivia was fine they just made a mistake.

We cried and cried for what seemed like forever, the nurse then took me into a room to get something else done to my arm. about 10 minutes later my parents come in with me and I will never forget my moms face.

She was happy but sad at the same time.

She was happy that I was okay, but sad at the loss of her daughter.

She hugged me, we all said a prayer, and went to our neighbors house to stay the night.

It hadn't really hit us until the next day.

It was so hard to believe that one minute we had everything and she was there,

and the next shes gone.

We went to my grandparents house to stay until we found a house.

Bekah came over, We sat in my van and cried and cried.

She had left an hour before the fire.

I was so thankful at that point that she had.

Today is a day we will always remember as the day Olivia left us.

It is also the day a year later that we moved back into our house.

I was talking to my mom about it this morning.

"Today's the day olivia died 6 years ago mom"

She sat there on the couch staring blankly,

Her reply surprised me.

"Shes not dead. Shes just not living with us anymore. She is very much alive, just somewhere else, today is the day she moved on, and grew up, not the day she died."

We miss her terribly,

but I'm glad I have faith enough to believe that yes she is somewhere better.

She is always with us.

Her memories remain.

Olivia Mae Beaumont

Sick

Spring is a great season,

except when the weather decides to be a bitch and change it up rapidly.

Thats when Becca gets sick!
ugh
at first I just thought it was allergies... but I have never had allergies before so I wasn't sure..
Well I quickly found out after my game yesterday (which we lost) that It wasn't allergies,

I am sick with a cold in

SPRING!!!!
Thank you mother nature for holding all my colds that I should have had during the winter for Soccer season!
THANK YOU BITCH!
ugh so because of this I have lost my voice, cannot breathe through my nose, my head is stuffed up so I have a constant head ache, I have not been seperated from a box of tissues since after yesterdays game, my eyes feel like they are broken and are going to create the next tsunami, and I keep SNEEZING!!!!
So I was willing to live out a day at Nigga School (heritage) so I could play in my game today against Stanton River, because we need to beat those niggas!

but No my mom thinks its a better idea that I stay home and miss the game! She says my health is more important then soccer, which is true.
BUT
I feel like im letting my team down, because of this they are going to have to play nemo the whole game!
WTF!!!!
Nemo cant even see her shoes!!!
we have one girl on crutches, and then nemos friend of unknown gender broke It's toe running into a fucking refridgerator!, another girl has a screwed up knee, and the other one a fucked up ankle!
DAMN RUSTBURG TANKS FUCKING UP OUR PLAYERS!!!
ugh
so basically heritage is screwed.

and all I have here to do today is to

eat oranges and hope to god I will be ok by fridays game against Liberty,

and complain in my blog!
I mean shit its for me anyways right?
Ugh
FUCKING A

The language of Photography

So my English teacher Mr. Minehan assigned this Research paper. We are allowed to pick what we wanted to research, but it had to be something we were interested in, and something that we could get alot of information about. I decided to do my paper on Annie Leibovitz, a famous photographer that has worked for, Rolling Stones, Vanity fair, and vogue. She's also done a few other magazines but none as big. I picked her because I want to major in photography in college. I want to take all kinds of pictures of any subject for any magazine, book, newspaper, private event, just anything. I've loved to take pictures since I was about 10. I've always loved looking through magazines, and books of pictures from famous photographers such as Annie Leibovitz. I love to look at the pictures and see what the photographer saw. It's like looking at the world from a different point of view. It's amazing. The really good pictures are the ones where you just look at the picture, and you know what the person or subject is thinking, you know how they felt when that picture was taken, you can see it in their eyes, how they stand, the expression on their face, its amazing. I also love to look at pictures of the most random, everyday things and see how beautiful they make it look. Like a picture of an old computer with some papers scattered around it, they can take it and make it look amazing. I love taking pictures like that, pictures of everyday things at a different point of view to give it a different beauty, make it something new. I sometimes will just sit outside and look around and see things and just want to take pictures of them. random things like a gate, or a chair, a wall, or a clump of grass. They aren't very attractive, appealing things, but when you look at them through the lens of a camera, the view suddenly changes.

you would think,

loneliness for the empty chair,

Neglect, for the clump of grass, and

Confinement, for the gate.

The meaningless subjects suddenly become symbols, their natural beauty is exposed.

Photography takes you to a whole different world almost, a world full of beauty and meaning. It's like a getaway for me. When I'm stressed, or bored, or mad, or upset, I take pictures.. of everything and anything. Its my anti-drug =D

I'm addicted.

Oh sweet Memories

Memories.

Can't be replaced, can't be ripped, burned, or dampned.

Memories can't be touched, Thrown, or stepped on.

Good or Bad.

Memories are with you always.

Forever.

It's Amazing all the memories We've created,

as well as the ones that are yet to come.

I don't care if my house burned down 5 times,

I dont care if a tornado came through and took everything I had with it.

I would always have the memories of me and you.

untouched by human hands.

addicting.

I crave them.

Forever ours.

No one can take them from us.

No one can replace them.

Ours forever and ever.

They will always keep me going.

Thanks <3>

Waist my life then.

I've about had it with guys. I sware I don't see why I even talk to guys. I can't trust hardly any of them. They don't think about anyone but themselves. They have to be better than everyone in everything, they always have to be right. They treat girls like freakin property not human beings. I sware it gets on my nerves! Whenever someone is excited or happy about something they have to say something negative to make them feel bad. It's even worse though when you actually like the guy. When you finally get the guts to tell him how you truely feel, that you like talking to him, you trust him, and you would do anything for him. He changes it to "So what size bra do you wear?" FUCK THAT SHIT! I hate guys that lead girls on and tell them what they want to hear just for their own pleasure. god Fucking pigs! talk about a waist of time!

For the one that has no idea...

Dear You,

I'm writing this to let you know that I have feelings for you. These feelings aren't meant for everyone, just the person I love spending time with, the person that makes me laugh on a daily baisis. These feelings are for the person who inspires me to do better, the one always helping me out. The person is you. I've had feelings for you for some time. I thought I got rid of them for a while, and I tried to get rid of them as well, but they just came back stronger. You make my days great! I love to see you in the hallways when you make wierd, funny faces at me. I love sharing with you. I love watching you play soccer, (especially with your shirt off ;D) I love to sit and listen about whatever your excited about. You need to know how I feel about you. I need to tell you how I feel. I want to say I love you, but you would have to understand that this isn't shallow love. I love you as a friend, a partner, a coach, a tutor, a comedian, I love you for you. Maybe one day something will happen but until then, I have no problem waiting.

Love,

Me...

Andrew

This past week my friend Andrew Thulin died in a horrific car accident. It was really sudden and it hit me pretty hard. He wasn't like one of my closest friends that did everything with me, but we grew up together and we shared some good memories. He was always such a nice and funny person. He has a great family. It was really surprising to hear that he was dead. I had only just seen him this past weekend at church. It was really weird. He wasnt coming back. It hit my school pretty hard too. He was a very popular loved person. He helped everyone with anything he could. He was always such a happy person and he could always make you laugh. He was a great athelete. I've been talking to his sister about him, and all of my friends that were also friends with him. I don't feel bad for andrew. He's in a good place now, and it was his time to go. I feel horrible for his Twin brother Owen, his sister Mary, his little brother Benjamin, and the little twins, along with his parents and oldest brother Byron. I feel bad for all of his friends. His family is pretty big and crazy but they are an awesome family. Everytime you saw them at church you could just tell they loved eachother. Andrews death has made me think about life more. It's made me think about how I treat people. I should be nicer to people. I've also thought how sad it is that it takes someone to die for people to really appreciate the time they spent with them. and Everything they did for other people. Deaths to me are learning experiences. You shouldn't waist your time crying about the little stupid things. Make life fun and happy. That doesnt mean go out and do whatever you want because you only live once. Im saying Just be a good person. Be nice to people who deserve it, and if they dont deserve it dont go out of your way to be mean to them just stay away from them. Andrews death has also made me think alot about after death. It's made me think about what Andrew is doing now and what he thinks about all of it? What he sees now. It's not fun when someone you know dies. but it makes you think. Think about the life you are living. if you died tomorrow what would people say about you? I'm not the perfect person and I know this. If I was the perfect person I wouldnt still be here. I know im not always nice. Its hard to be nice sometimes. some people dont deserve nice. I try to be as nice as I can to everyone of my friends. I love them and I want them to realize I love them. You live life once dont be arrogant about it just live it. Andrew lived his life. He was a good boy and grew into a GREAT young man

his mom and dad should be so proud. he was so nice to everyone and everyone loved him

he will be deeply missed.

R.I.P.

Andrew Thulin.

3-7-07

<333

Olivia

It has always been one of my biggest fears since I was really little.
I've always felt like someone was following me, and watching everything I did.
I would always turn around and look out windows of the room I'm in to see if any one's there.
There never is.
You hear things on T.V. and read about people in books who have seen things that The naked eye cant see.
you have heard of people who have experienced visits from their old family members, who have long since passed.
or maybe even people who have experienced an out of body experience..
Some of it we don't believe because they have no proof, why should we?
I always believed that there was life after death.
However, I never really thought about the dead contacting me..
not me,
never.
I remember my mom telling me about 2 years or so ago that she heard my dead sister Olivia talk to her when she was visiting the temple.
My neighbor Peggy, has also said that she has seen Olivia in the back of the van, as well as heard her speak to her.
It's pretty cool, and a bit scary to know that my sister is still here.
It's a good thing yes, but It's just scary to know that shes dead, and shes watching us and that she sees everything we do, but we can't see her.
I've heard her..
but never seen her.
I would like to see her one day, but then again it scares me to death.
I don't know.
I miss her alot. My mom and I were watching old videos with her as a baby.
she was such a happy baby.
It was really weird to watch those videos and then when they were over, think that shes never coming back.
I will never see my baby sister again.
It kills me to know that my sister Caroline will never know her older sister Olivia.
Olivia never got to live life.
she never will learn to ride a bike, or go to school, or get her first boyfriend.
She will never be able to get a job, or learn to drive, or ever get married and have kids of her own.
I wish that I could go back and change things.
I wish i could go back and save her.
Back to the night that changed everything.
I remember the night of the fire, I was playing with her on the trampoline.
she wore her little pink silk nightgown to bed, and my dad tucked her in...
the next time I saw her, she was being put into an ambulance with a breathing mask on her face.. her hairline black from the smoke..
she looked peaceful though, she just looked as though she was sleeping.
I thought everything would be alright, I felt a feeling of comfort and safety as I saw her going into the ambulance.
I thought
"oh the doctors will save her."
I was wrong. I remember sitting in the room at the hospital and waiting for the doctor..
I remember when he came in our hearts stopped when he said that she wasn't coming back.
I remember that was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry.
It took me 3 weeks to finally realize that she was NOT coming back.
wow this has kind of changed direction on me...
I just really miss her.
I wish she would come back.
but that's all I can do is wish.

Normal.. the unknown

Normal?
What is normal?
Could you just sit there and define it for me please?


Normal is one of those words that everyone knows, but no one can define.
We all THINK we know what "normal" is.
We think that anything that is different from us, and our thoughts and opinions is Not normal.
Who are we to say what normal is? We obviously couldn't be normal ourselves then. Everyone is different. Then our idea of "normal" doesn't exist.. we don't even have an idea of normal. Our society has an idea of normal, and they mold it into our heads that that's what everyone should be like. If everyone was the same this world, this life would be boring and pointless. The most wonderful and interesting people are people who are anything but the "normal" that we believe is what we should be. I think the different people are more down to earth then the ones thinking they are "normal". You almost never hear of a great author, or a great artist, photographer, athlete, or songwriter that had a "normal childhood".
Normal sucks.
Fuck normal.
DIFFERENT is the new "normal"
Think about it

To a Long distant friend..

"I love the fact that I KNOW I have people in my life who I can trust. People who will be there for me no matter what, and can help me through anything. I don't even think these people realize how thankful I am to have them."

There is one friend in particular who I would never think that we would be so close, or that they would mean so much to me.
this entry is for them...


You have been there for me through some of my toughest days. You have helped me through my tough experiences, and family issues as well. I never get to see you anymore, now that you live so far away. We don't get to talk as much as we used to, due to daily demands at work, school, and life. Even still, I will always have you. You will always be there for me whenever I need you. If necessary you would fly out here and help me with whatever I needed, and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same. You always make me smile whenever we talk. There is never a dull moment. You are one of those friends that you have and you can't believe you ever lived without them. It seems as though we've been friends since birth! We have an age difference, but to you that doesn't matter, you will still always be there for me. You don't look at my problems as "Juvenile drama" you understand what I'm going through and they help me out because you have been though similar experiences. You never talk down to me or make me feel low. I would do anything for you. I'm not sure if you know you mean this much to me, but you do. I have no idea what I would do without you. You make everything better. I wish we could see each other more, but I think the fact that we are so far, makes us so close. I can't wait to see you again. I love you,and I miss you. Thank you for everything you've helped me through, every nice thing you've said to me to make me happier.
Thank you for being my friend.
<33

You roll your eyes... But im smiling

Going to high school is an experience of a lifetime. Everyone knows this, and you hear it enough times to get sick of it. Some people just think of it as something parents "HAVE" to tell their kids or something kids think their parents tell them just to get them scared. It's True High school is quite an experience. I think it is one of the best experiences you could ever have.
I mean people that didn't like high school are the people who look at the bad things that happened to them, and the bad decisions they made, the friends they lost. They never sit and think of the reasons why they lost those friends, why they made those decisions, why those things happened to them. High school is great. Bad things only happen if you let them happen. There are the occasional things that happen that you have no control of.. (car accidents, Broken bones.. etc.) but for the most part You have a say in what happens to you.. and its not just high school its life..

"this isn't an entry telling people that they are stupid for letting things happen to them in high school, this is just something I am realizing myself."

There are people that I started out friends with and some of them we have been friends since 1st grade.
Now don't think I'm sitting here complaining, because again.. I'm just thinking and realizing for myself. but anyways,
there are friends that I've Known forever, and we've grown apart due to different "clicks" and friends and interests. which is fine, we are still friends we just don't hang out and that's the way it should be. There are also those friends who you haven't known as long, but you've spent alot of time with, they did some things that got on your nerves or you didn't agree with but you were still their friend just because you realize that your not perfect either everyone has faults. You let them push you around a little, because there is no reason in making a big deal out of one comment right? exactly.. so they continue to push you around..

again no big, they don't really mean it"

.. well eventually those little pushes get bigger, and bigger, and they bug you more and more.. they do a few things that were uncalled for, and they seem to be trying to start a conflict with everything you say or do. They want to be in your business 24/7 just so they have something to talk about with their other friends. this is one of those friends you don't want to have. one of those friends who Lives for drama, and is a very unhappy person.. and in order to be happy they have to make everyone else miserable.

I however, don't agree with that or allow that to happen to me. So I stop hanging out with this person. I don't call her, I'll talk to them at school when I want to but I never go out of my way to talk to them, I don't spend the night at their house anymore, nothing. They get mad that I'm not giving them all the attention they desire and decides to try to make me mad by getting a "new best friend".. little did they know that I don't really care because I didn't want to hang out with them, and I wouldn't want them to be bored.. so whatever go for it! so then when they realize that I don't care they starts talking about me to her new "BFF" they make jokes, tell lies, stories... and have a good time being unhappy together. =] well I'm glad they have fun together.
Then, When that "new BFF" of thiers gets tired of them and stops hanging out with them so much, they come back to me and tries to be all "I love you cutie <333">KNOW me. It sucks going through drama and stuff like that, but the results are totally worth it and will help you through the rest of your life. I decided that they weren't the kind of person I wanted as a friend, and because of that, I have avoided conflicts and regrets that would have come from them.
THANK GOD!

TGIF

I am sooo glad its friday!
this has been one of the longest weeks ever!
and it was sort of eventful but not really... like sians birthday, and valentines day took place... but thats about all that matters =]
uh so yeah today was a pretty good day, I got my hair cut.. well i got the split ends trimmed off so its healthier looking and feels so much softer <3
uhh I was supposed to have a sleepover thing with Jennifer and Sara but that didnt work out sooo Im at sians house <3
andd shes sleeping while i talk to my favorite Red Head JIMMY GASTON <3
sooo thats about it, My stepsister and her bf are dooshbags =] and he will see what shes really like eventually and IM going to laugh because Then he will see that I was right the whole time, and that Im not being a bitch im just warning him but Its all good he will get what is coming to him =] and I will sit there and laugh in his face =]
But yeah my birthday is on Monday and Im really excited because I get to get my bellybutton pierced!!!!!!!!!
im excited!
some people think thats gross for me to get it done but they can just kiss my ass because its my body and I will do what I want with it thanks and I dont need your input, opinions, or concerns thanks =]
=]
but anyways... Tonight is young sian will wake up and we will party!!
hopefully with the ADK if they ever freakin call!

=]
<3
well
S'lata

Daddy

okay so, my birthdays coming up...
Fun stuff ill be 16 and thats exciting!
Im getting my bellybutton pierced fun!
so every year me and my dad go out to dinner for my birthday just me and him..
so of course that would make me happy...
so my step mom tracy... yes this is the woman who ruined my parents marriage.. =/
Yeah so me and her dont like eachother, I dont talk to her and she is fake to me...
so she decides to come along...
I dont like that
Its time with me and My dad.
She gets to see him every day! she fucking sleeps with him and has for the past like 6 years!
she treats him like shit and he fucking puts up with it!
and she has to ruin the one day i get with my dad alone just me and him..
I hate her!
He was mine first!
he loved me first!
he loves me more!
I actually care about him!
I dont treat him like shit!
Id do anything for him!
hes MY dad not hers!
I want time with him not him and her!
and its really annoying
she ruins everything!
and I think he understands that I dont like her, but she will make his life living hell if he even brings it up.. I dont know why he doesnt just leave her... =/
He needs to get away from her and go see his family, and spend time with the family he has here in Virginia his kids! me his daughter the first born the first person to call him daddy! the first little girl to say I love you daddy the first little girl to share her birthday cupcakes with him.. the first little girl to help him in his shop and dance for him in a ballarina costume! hes my dad not hers! and I want him for me not me and her!
call me selfish but i dont care I hate her and she doesnt deserve someone as wonderful as my dad and he can certainly do better than her :'(
I wish that bitch would just die!

=]

Yeah well Its been a few days..
my weekend was really good
I got to hang out with the ADK
I believe that was the highlight
even better than meeting famous people?
of course!!!
Im excited my birthday is in 2 weeks =]
and sians is next week <333
I have no idea what to get her =/
Im getting my bellybutton pierced on my birthday <3
and the new Falloutboy cd came out today =]
SCORE!
Some people are still being gay at school.
but some are realizing what Ive noticed all along
thank god!
megan moore is a dooshbag
and needs to die seriously
lol
no one likes her
shes like tossed around like an unwanted toy
haha
makes me laugh =]
does that make me evil?
No
its megan
hah!
its amazing Howmany hours people spend infront of the computer even when there is nothing to do =/
Its to cold to do anything outside
i have no care therefore cant go anywhere
and there is nothing else to do but talk to people, update, and listen to Hellogoodbye..
yes i said it...
HELLOGOODBYE!
=]

Annoyances

Today is the first day of February,
It hasnt been a very good day.
Everything today has either Annoyed me, made me mad, made me sad, or I felt like I was annoying someone.
It hasnt been very Happy.
sure there were a few times that were =]
but for the most part im ready for tomorrow to come =/
I really dont like some of the people at my school.
we have some shallow Butt hungry guys at my school and that really gets annoying.
we also have some severly sexist teachers, and that gets old.
I dont have alot to say about today, Im really tired. I think ive made some people annoyed at me, and im just ready to go to bed and have tomorrow come <3

uhhh

So yeah some guys have the nerve to tell me they think my lips would look good around their penis?
no
that shit pisses me off!
today was annoying and aggravating!
Teachers Lie!
Boys are gay!
and Darnell needs to go away.
but I love Sian <3
thank god for her
I would like die without her
uh!
I feel healthy today Due to Some weightlifting and running in soccer today =]
I'm excited
it might snow tomorrow and I really hope it does we need the snow BAADD.
actually i really just need the day off =]
Friday will be fun though
I get to be with the people I actually Enjoy Spending time with. =]
Even though its going to be crazy
I have a feeling we wont ever forget it =]
Fun stuff <3

Blank

So apparently I'm just the girl who guys like to be friends with, oh but wait... I'm also the girl they'd be willing to try or do anything with but not date..
God!
guys are so stupid... I mean honestly my bad for not being a size fucking 0! and my bad for not knowing or liking EVERYTHING you do
and my bad if I'm not going to suck your penis... god! guys are so stupid! I don't know why I even bother, and THEN when I actually do find a guy that isn't like that... He just sees me as a friend too. God wtf? am I not a chick? Someone just give me a fucking strap on!
I HATE having feelings for someone.. and then thinking that maybe they like me too but then get crushed when I find out.. I'm "friend" material
AKA
NO THANKS!
god guys uhhh I wish they honestly knew how girls feel...
well normal girls
not the ones on their knees 24/7.
Oh well
what can I do...
I'm not willing to change who I am for guys so I guess I'm just going to be Friends with all these guys for the rest of my fucking life..
because I refuse to suck a guys penis for him to like me ... Sorry I don't look like a fucking Megan Moore do I?